IN A PERFECT Raider Nation, Al Davis would be able to retract Tommy Kelly's bonus check, use it to lure Bill Parcells, then authorize Parcells to void Javon Walker's contract and use that money to fund a first-rate coaching staff.
But, then, that would foretell a new day, positioning the Raiders to climb into the 21st century, where this shattered franchise might have a chance to be repaired.
Midway through the fourth week of the offseason, however, with fans yearning for a reason to believe help is on the way, all signs point to continued futility. It's uniquely spectacular, yes, but also old and familiar.
From the one-man process of interviewing coaching prospects to the inordinate level of energy used to spin those interviews to the plodding pace of the process itself, it appears the Raiders will maintain their status as one of the most ineffectual franchises in sports, largely because owner Al Davis is so unfailingly loyal to a general manager clearly past his prime.
A GM named, um, Al Davis.
It was the GM who last offseason used the owner as an ATM, making one questionable buy after another, resulting in a bag of lemons, with DeAngelo Hall and Walker the biggest. It was the GM who delayed firing a coach he had decided to dump because there was a crackling good feud to prolong, darn it, even if it poisoned training camp and the first month of the season.
It's the same GM who has unloaded eight coaches in 14 years — one twice — without firing or demoting or reassigning the man above the coach. You know, the GM.
At a time when the owner needs a new GM, he's studying candidates for head coach.
At a time when he has yet to name a head coach, he's already assembling a staff of assistants to work under that head coach.
The names floating about news reports represent a shocking absence of inspiration.
New York Giants offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride, in whom the Raiders denied interest, then acknowledged interviewing, knows offense but has little aptitude as a head coach. Al Saunders was the offensive coordinator for the Rams, who even with Steven Jackson, Torry Holt and Marc Bulger finished 2-14.
Winston Moss was the linebackers coach for the Packers, whose defense finished 30th in the NFL. Ed Donatell was the defensive coordinator for the Washington Huskies, who lost every game.
And, of course, there is the leading candidate, earnest Tom Cable, an excellent offensive line coach who as Raiders interim coach won four of 12 games.
All of the coaches reportedly are being considered by the GM, who has brought in the likes of young Lane Kiffin and uncle Joe Bugel. He's the same GM who in 2006 summoned Tom Walsh from the bed-and-breakfast business to call plays under Art Shell.
This GM's last truly inspired coaching hire was Jon Gruden, then a hot candidate at age 34. That was 11 years ago, when Davis was 68 and still relatively vital — and employed a sort of co-GM named Bruce Allen.
If owner Davis remains serious about hiring another executive — who likely won't receive the GM title — that exec will inherit a head coach. And therefore, be neutralized before signing a contract.
This is how you fix the Raiders?
Well, no. And there are actual examples of how to improve quickly a foundering NFL franchise.
Atlanta last season hired Thomas Dimitroff as GM, and he hired Mike Smith as head coach. The Falcons went from 4-12 to 11-5 and the playoffs.
Miami, the worst team in the league in 2007, went a step further. With 10 days left in the '07 season, the Dolphins hired Parcells, the game's most proficient mercenary, as vice president of football operations.
Parcells fired GM Randy Mueller the day after the season, replacing him two days later with Jeff Ireland. Parcells and Ireland the next day fired coach Cam Cameron.
Parcells and Ireland then spent 12 days interviewing and evaluating coaching candidates before settling on the man they wanted all along, Tony Sparano.
A new brain trust was in place, pronto, and by mid-January dived into the task of filling in the holes in the roster of the 1-15 Dolphins. Miami went 11-5 and reached the playoffs.
The Raiders owner, meanwhile, supports his GM, who sticks to the same old plan, each time believing it will produce a better result. Is that not a definition of insanity?
